The Deeper Side of Kayaking: Overcoming Fear

I have not been able to get on the water this week, due to the fact that I'm waist deep calculus, zoology, and technical writing. The bright side to all this is that, somehow, I convinced my technical writing professor to let me write my term paper on "How to Fish for Salmon from a Kayak". Notice I said "fish" instead of "catch". I had to leave myself an out you know.

I am planning on getting out on the Multnomah Channel early this coming Sunday with some of the guys from Northwest Kayak Anglers to fish for sturgeon from a kayak. I look forward to meeting these guys, and learning a thing or two about sturgeon fishing from a kayak. I will give a complete trip report with pics shortly there after.

THE DEEPER SIDE OF KAYAKING: Overcoming Fear

While having lunch with some of my kayaking friends a few days ago, we somehow got off on the topic of fear. Fear is an emotion we all have to deal with at some point. Through out my development as a kayaker, I've certainly had times where I was afraid.

Looking back at my BCU 3 Star Sea evaluation, I was suffering from sever test anxiety. The ocean conditions were bigger than the remit for the evaluation, and bigger than I had ever been in before. I had shown mastery in mild to moderate conditions, but would I be able to perform at the same level in rough seas?

I really did not know what to expect. My mind raced that sleepless night before the evaluation, and I thoroughly freaked myself out.

The next morning I woke early, exhausted from an anxiety filled night. My stomach was in knots and I felt physically ill. This only added to my worries of being able to safely handle the conditions.

We met our assessor at the parking lot at the beach. After a brief introduction, we walked North of the North jetty at the mouth of the Columbia River to assess conditions. We were going to be crossing the Columbia River bar. There have been so many shipwrecks there, the place has earned the moniker "Graveyard of the Pacific".


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Needless to say, with that thought rattling around in my head, I looked out at the pounding surf, and puked three times right there on the beach.

I had a serious battle raging in my head; "Am I crazy? Is this stupid? Do I have the skills and the capacity to handle this?"

Self doubt filled my mind. I tried to take a step back and rationally evaluate my fear. I thought; "Am I afraid because this is stupid and dangerous, or am I afraid because I don't know what to expect?"

I analyzed the situation; There were two 5 star paddlers there doing the assessment, who had thousands of hours kayaking in much bigger conditions than these, one of which is a close friend and co-worker. I also knew the abilities of two others in my group well. On top of all that, I reminded myself that I was physically strong, reasonably intelligent, and a fairly skilled kayaker.

I realized at that moment that it was not danger that was causing my fear and anxiety, but rather, the fear of the unknown.

I decided that not challenging myself because I did not know what to expect was not a worthy excuse. I boated hard that day and had a blast out in the big water around the Columbia River bar, and easily passed the BCU 3 star sea certification.

Granted, my eyes were as big as grapefruits, and my adrenaline was pumping, but I had overcome my fear and anxiety. The next day when I looked in the mirror, I noticed I had several white hairs in my beard, and it took two days for the adrenaline buzz to wear off.

Earlier on the day of our evaluation, another kayaker in our group was overcome by his fear upon seeing the waves exploding at the end of the jetty. He quit and had to be escorted back to the launch. I myself had entertained those same thoughts, but I had decided that if my friends could do it, so could I. For some reason, at that moment "The only thing we have to fear, is fear it's self." made sense. I had heard that a million times, but it never really sank in until that moment. It became my silent mantra for the day.

I felt awful for this guy. I thought about how every day this guy is going to think about the time he decided to challenge himself, was overcome with fear, and gave up. I thought about how that experience would trickle through the other aspects of his life, and the negative consequences it would have.

It made me very sad for him, but some how, it made me more determined to face the challenge. I refused to let myself be that guy and walk away with feelings of self doubt and disappointment.

When we hauled out on the beach at the end of the day, I was filled with exuberance. I felt that I could handle any situation. Not just kayaking, but in life.

For me, that is the reason I challenge myself. I feel that having new experience and constantly learning are the keys to a fulfilling life, and sometimes, new things are scary.

Overcoming fear builds self confidence, and translates into every other aspect of your life. But it's important to clearly evaluate the difference between confidence and stupidity.

If you take a step back and assess a situation, usually it's easy to tell when you are hesitant because you are afraid of the unknown, or you are hesitant because entering the situation, or attempting an action is stupid.

I had trained extensively for the conditions present at the mouth of the Columbia, and spent years developing my technical skill in a kayak. I felt that the amount of danger present had been effectively managed. I never felt it was "dangerous" or "stupid".

Had that been my first time in a kayak on the ocean, it would have qualified as stupid and dangerous.

For me, the key to overcoming fear is having confidence in yourself. I'm not talking about being cocky, because that qualifies as stupid. But, knowing yourself, and having past experiences to look back on where you have over come a challenge, is the self confidence I am referring to.

It's kind of a catch 22, because you need to overcome a challenge to gain self confidence, and you need self confidence to overcome a challenge. My advice is to start small, and gradually increase the level of the challenge. By the time you get to the big stuff, you have a plethora of experiences to draw upon and overcome your fear.

I try and remember that fear and worry are not based on reality. They are based on memories of the past, that have been shaped in our heads over time to the point that they represent emotions more than history, and projections of future events, based on our memories. Neither of which represent the only thing that is real; The present moment.

In essence, fear and worry are emotions created by our imagination, and are not real.

So chew on that until next week,

-Jason